Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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