Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
