I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
