Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Green mimosas i think yes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
