Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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