New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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