If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
