btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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