Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
