wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had sex on a dog bed..
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
