Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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