what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
