there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
