my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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