FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
