someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
