do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
