And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
