oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
