also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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