Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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