and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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