My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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