he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Too much gin, very little bucket
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
