I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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