im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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