you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
