I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
