I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
