in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
