It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
