I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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