I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
