I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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