apparently the secret to your success is patron
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
