Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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