He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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