I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
