I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
