went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
