Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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