Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
