wanna go halves on a baby?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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