my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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