my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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