The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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