I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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