Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
