dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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