By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
