In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
