Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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