Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
